joanjoyce

Is it right to do what only makes you happy and never consider the people around you? Doing the things I love is so easy for it will made me forget my problems but taking for granted my other responsibilities even for 5 hours would be another problem and sometimes will make me feel guilty.

I know that the time that we get married and have kid(s), us girls really dedicated ourselves on becoming a loving wife and a very caring mother that most of the time or I should say until we forget that we also have our own self to care about.

It really depresses me at night thinking how my life is when I was still single and to now that I am married. I remember the time when I want something I’ll buy it, if friends want to go malling, night out or travel expect me to be there but this time I cannot even find time to call them to check how they are. The only thing I can do is to forward them with funny and friendly text messages to make them know I still exist.

I don’t know if I mismanage my time, money or attention but I do not know. Married life makes me save a lot, like instead of buying something for myself or even spending to a beauty center to relax and beautify or just the thought of wanting to be with friends just to hang out, it made me feel guilty that instead of saving it for future family needs I’ll waste it with those “unnecessary bills”. That is why I’d rather stay at home and do my stuff, my only connection outside our house is the internet.

Maybe that is one reason I had this anxiety. I am really worried about tomorrow, about the future instead of enjoying today. I admit, I am afraid to be pennyless even if there is nothing to be worried about. That time we were not financially secured, we do not have jobs or any source of income. I want this, I want that but with our situation that time the only thing I can do is to save what my father is giving me that is why I am afraid to spend till it became a sickness of anxiety.

Time that I am trying to heal myself I discovered girltalk and multiply and spend too much on bags and clothes and shoes. Yes it made me feel well that now I can buy things without thinking about the bills but I have reached the point when I told to myself that I have to stop buying what I want and buy only what I need. That I will just buy to reward myself for a hard work done to feel appreciated and it should be just once a month.

He that handleth a matter wisely, shall find good and whoso trusteth in the LORD, happy is he. Pro 16:20

I realized that spending a lot is not the cure for my fear but acceptance. Acceptance is the way to happiness and I am happy to realize that. It is hard to accept reality but we can definitely change it and it is all up for us/me to choose. Either make myself happy or miserable, I chose to be happy.

Now I am taking care of my family at the same time taking care of myself. I go out to places where I used to go to when I was still single but now only with my family. I go with my friends occasionally like birthdays and reunions. I can now spend for the things I need and now I can say that I still save a lot but never worried about tomorrow because Knowing that God is always there to help us and guide us all I have to do is to trust Him.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Pro 3:5

Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him. Pro 30:5

Getting through it and being what I am now and by doing all those things makes me happy.

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