Is this an episode we really have to pass through or does this mean it’s over?

I am kinda loosing all the excitements I felt when we were just dating, on early months of our relationship or even after pregnancy. Maybe somewhow, getting through all the trials on our marriage, I kinda loose the trust.

I worried a lot, as in paranoid. Well he is kinda okey now, but it is really hard for me to be what I used to.

I used to smile a lot, I used to sing a lot, dance a lot. Free spirited, jolly, loving person. Now I am busy being worried on something I don’t know. Well that’s anxiety, even with a lot of fern-C everyday, I am still worried. LOL!

There were days that yes I want a separation but just a thought of it makes me shiver. Half of my brain or my heart too maybe, wants to be free but the other half wants to stay.

I know deep in my heart I love him but on to my brain it tells me I’ll be happier without him.

Sorry, I am really confused on this. I want him out but I want not too. Help?

I hope this is really just an episode I hope we surpass.

This is one thing that confuses me all the time and giving me anxieties at night. Isn’t it that the children are the parents responsibility? I raise my kid not asking my father for a tuition fee but out of our own earnings because i think thats the right thing to do it.

But when your parents are still strong and working and you know that has a lot of money, why pass the responsibility of making your daughter go to school to his brother? It’s not that I am selfish or what but we are not that rich nor stable as to we can afford to send one kid to a nursing school. We know how expensive it is, right?

As a mother my first priority is my kid over somebody else’s kid but my husband thinks otherwise. He also wants to send her sister to school even if we cannot afford it for he said “maybe” she can help us on my daughter’s schooling when she graduated. Maybe? it only means he is not even sure about it.

I am really confused about this matter, I am worried about my daughter’s needs if our monthly earnings will be halved just by sending her sis to college. I want her sis to finished college, I am happy if she will but how about my daughter? I want to help but only up to what we can and not to what they want it to be. I hope they realized that we also have money problems and we also have expenses.

I am really confused, I don’t know if my thinking is bad or what but all I want is for my kid’s security. As the bible says..

Behold, a third time I am ready to come to you. And I will not burden you, for I do not seek your things, but you. For the children ought not to lay up treasure for the parents, but the parents for the children. 2Cor 12:14

I am a mother and I only want what’s best for my kid.

I know that the time that we get married and have kid(s), us girls really dedicated ourselves on becoming a loving wife and a very caring mother that most of the time or I should say until we forget that we also have our own self to care about.

It really depresses me at night thinking how my life is when I was still single and to now that I am married. I remember the time when I want something I’ll buy it, if friends want to go malling, night out or travel expect me to be there but this time I cannot even find time to call them to check how they are. The only thing I can do is to forward them with funny and friendly text messages to make them know I still exist.

I don’t know if I mismanage my time, money or attention but I do not know. Married life makes me save a lot, like instead of buying something for myself or even spending to a beauty center to relax and beautify or just the thought of wanting to be with friends just to hang out, it made me feel guilty that instead of saving it for future family needs I’ll waste it with those “unnecessary bills”. That is why I’d rather stay at home and do my stuff, my only connection outside our house is the internet.

Maybe that is one reason I had this anxiety. I am really worried about tomorrow, about the future instead of enjoying today. I admit, I am afraid to be pennyless even if there is nothing to be worried about. That time we were not financially secured, we do not have jobs or any source of income. I want this, I want that but with our situation that time the only thing I can do is to save what my father is giving me that is why I am afraid to spend till it became a sickness of anxiety.

Time that I am trying to heal myself I discovered girltalk and multiply and spend too much on bags and clothes and shoes. Yes it made me feel well that now I can buy things without thinking about the bills but I have reached the point when I told to myself that I have to stop buying what I want and buy only what I need. That I will just buy to reward myself for a hard work done to feel appreciated and it should be just once a month.

He that handleth a matter wisely, shall find good and whoso trusteth in the LORD, happy is he. Pro 16:20

I realized that spending a lot is not the cure for my fear but acceptance. Acceptance is the way to happiness and I am happy to realize that. It is hard to accept reality but we can definitely change it and it is all up for us/me to choose. Either make myself happy or miserable, I chose to be happy.

Now I am taking care of my family at the same time taking care of myself. I go out to places where I used to go to when I was still single but now only with my family. I go with my friends occasionally like birthdays and reunions. I can now spend for the things I need and now I can say that I still save a lot but never worried about tomorrow because Knowing that God is always there to help us and guide us all I have to do is to trust Him.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Pro 3:5

Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him. Pro 30:5

Getting through it and being what I am now and by doing all those things makes me happy.

So last July 2007 I made a blog to help me with my sickness, it is called anxiety. Whenever my mind gets idle, so many what ifs are running around on my thoughts. Year 2005 was the worst year of my life because I had so many episodes of anxiety, actually that time it was from waking up until I fall asleep at night.

But me finding sleep is already a big struggle. I hyperventilate, I palpitate and cannot sleep while no one is awake. That struggle gave me only 3 to 4 hours a day of sleep. As soon as I found out that my palpitation is nothing physical but a psychological disability I stopped going to hospitals.

Because before whenever I experienced all the palpitation, hyperventilation and whatever I felt like life threatening you will always see me inside the ER of the nearest hospital around. I cannot go malling, yes I had agoraphobia. I cannot eat anything, because what triggers my anxiety was I choked New Years Eve then a “bawang” explode, that is why any solid food is a no-no specially pork and macaroni salad.

Whenever I am in the ER I spend a lot of money for ECG, check-ups and oxygen. I even had a moment when taking a bath is a fear for me. Thank God that after everything I went through He thought me how to not fear and now I believe I survived the chaos. Although I am still experiencing episodes of it but with the help of God I need not have to be worried.

Now I can do whatever I wanted to, go whenever wherever I like. Making all my dreams come true for His Glory. A verse is always in my mind whenever I felt fearful and it really helps me make it through.

The only thing left is I worry to much of what will happen but I know with God’s help I can surpass all the trials and travails life might give me because He wouldn’t give us a problem that we cannot bear.

No temptation has taken you but what is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above what you are able, but with the temptation also will make a way to escape, so that you may be able to bear it. 1Cor 10:13

I am moving on with my issues with my previous life without God. We are doing good now and with God’s will we will survive and like the story books would say, will live happy ever after.

Today marks my 28th year in this world and I thank God for giving me another year to serve Him. I know I have failed Him many times but I will try my best with the help of the Lord to be worthy of His mercy.

God, thank you for giving me strength, the ability to do the things for us to survive. Thank you for my family and thank you for everything that you have planned for me. Guide me on my worth and help me bear all my sickness and struggles. With you I know I am safe. AMEN.